In the last several months I've been faced with multiple friends and acquaintances of mine speaking of leaving their spouses due to various reasons I won't go in to. If you've read any of my divorce blogs you'll know how strongly I feel about that subject, and you'll know how against it I am, even though I have personally suffered through it myself. Maybe that's why my feelings are so much stronger than they were even before that incident, because I know for a fact now how detrimental it really is to a person's total life and general state of well being. So in hearing these people talk about it as if it were as passe as a dentist appointment, I can barely keep my composure much less keep my words and thoughts to myself. When I hear someone say, "I think I'm going to leave my husband because he's just so annoying" my blood boils inside my skin so hot I think it's literally going to melt away and I'll be left standing there a hot, red, bloody mess dripping all over the place. Clean up on aisle three!
What does marriage even mean anymore? Didn't we all say those same vows, when we stood up in front of everyone we knew and loved, and promised we'd spend the rest of our lives with this person? "To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part". I'm sure they went something like that, or some similar variation. Basically, we told our God, our family, or even just our future spouse alone that we planned to spend our life with them, no matter what. Come Hell or high water, we were in it for the long haul. So what does it mean? Allow me to break it down for you line by line, just in case you didn't know.
To have and to hold: This is completely literal. You belong to each other now. You are mine and I am yours. Not in the sense that you are an object, able to be calculated by a numeric or monetary value, but you are so much a part of your spouse that without you they are no longer completely whole. They will have a piece of them missing.
From this day forward: Marriage is immediate and everlasting. There is no three day waiting period like when you want to buy a gun. When you say "I do", you walk down that aisle into eternity. There is no end. If there were, the phrase would say "from this day till next Wednesday" instead.
For better, for worse: This is the one that a lot of people skip over when they're thinking of walking away a few years down the road. Marriage is easy when you're in the "for better" days, but when you're in the "for worse" ones, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's no clause in your vows that leave out things like: he clips his toenails in bed, she is a terrible cook, he never brings me flowers, she doesn't keep a clean house, he rarely compliments me on my looks, she's really let herself go lately, he hasn't done a load of laundry in two years, she wouldn't know how to please me if I drew her a road map, he constantly chooses his video games over me, she always wants to go out with her girlfriends, and the list goes on and on.
For richer, for poorer: Money can only buy you so much. If you didn't realize what this section meant when you were marrying Mr. Moneybags, and then he lost his fortune in the downturn of the economy, you may be seeing now that you don't have much of a marriage left to stand on. When a marriage is built on love, it shouldn't matter how much is in the bank as long as you have each other to hold on to in the unemployment line.
In sickness or in health: Sickness is a much broader term than many people realize. And things like cancer, Alzheimer's, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, alcoholism, etc don't just go away with an antibiotic or a vaccine. What is a spouse to do when their husband or wife suffers from one or more of the above, or even something different? Do they walk away? Dealing with a lifetime of doctor's appointments, counselors, hospital stays and endless piles of paperwork is a daunting task even for the most dedicated spouse.
To love and to cherish: Kind of like that having and holding thing, this part is pretty similar. Here you're saying you will treat your spouse as something special, something you hold in the highest regard. Even more special than that kegerator or your signed copy of the Backstreet Boys CD. To cherish something is to treat it like it is the most prized and adored thing you have ever had in your presence, and you would do anything to make sure you never let it go.
'Till death do us part: If you were to skip everything that was said in between "from this day forward" and "till death do us part", you really would sum it all up. Basically, with the final line in your vows , you are saying that no matter what, even if you didn't cover it in all the fluff in between, from now until the end, you will never break the bond of marriage you just sealed. 'Till death is pretty heavy. You didn't say, "till I get really tired of your crap" or "till something better comes along". You said, "till death".
Now, here's where I get pissy. I've been divorced. I know what it's like to look at that man you said those vows to and want to throw up every time you look him in the eyes. I've lived a life of heartache and shame and torment. I spent years trying to mend all the broken pieces of a life that should have never even existed, before it ever came to the moment the Sheriff knocked on my door just days before Christmas holding the divorce papers in his hands. I gave everything I had before that gavel fell on that hot August day, and then I left it all in the courtroom and walked away knowing I did everything I could. I have no regrets. I know there isn't one ounce of myself I could have given any more of to try and save what could never have been saved. It was damned from the start. Because of this, I know what it means to give it all, and I know what it means to leave nothing at the door. Even when you might not like the person you see staring back at you, the fact is, that's the same person you stood at that altar with some number of years earlier and promised "till death" to, and until you can say you really did give every ounce of yourself and then some, you aren't done.
The last several reasons I've heard for people wanting to leave their spouses are just awful. They have literally caused me to get sick. On top of the fact that most of the couples have children involved. I would never in my lifetime put my children through what my daughter is currently going through unless I knew for a fact that I had done absolutely everything in my power to save my marriage to their father. I don't care what anyone says, a child needs their parents, and no, it is NOT better for them to have mom or dad be "happier" apart then miserable together. Problems will follow you wherever you go, and if you just keep running from them, you will only teach your child how to hide from pain. But if mom and dad stay together and work through their problems, the kids will be happier in knowing their parents love each other and them, and they will have learned that it IS possible to work things out, not just run from a problem because it's easier.
Hubs and I have a saying. No Matter What. We use it all the time. It sums up our vows, the way we feel about each other, the way we feel about our marriage and our life together as a whole. No matter what happens, no matter what comes our way, no matter what anyone tries to do to come between us, we will always cling to each other, we will always have each other and we will always love each other. At the end of the day and at the end of our lives, all we have is us. When the kids and the friends and the family and all of our worldly possessions have fallen away, all we will have is me and him, and if that's not good enough, then nothing else will ever be. So no matter what, we must be eternally happy with each other, and then everything else is a just bonus.
Now, I'm not saying our philosophy is so amazing and everyone should follow it, but what I am saying is that if you get married you should know what your vows mean before you say them. You should mean them and stick to them and believe in your marriage more than anything else. You should believe in it so much that you know it's worth fighting for. No one else is going to fight as hard to keep your marriage together as you, and you are the only one who can mend what is broken when it falls apart, but only if you give it the effort it deserves. Marriage isn't easy, and it takes work. It's a full time job, and you have to want it bad enough to make it into something beautiful. Once you've figured out how to work with your spouse and not against them, I believe you'll realize that there isn't anything you can't overcome together. I believe you'll see that your marriage is strong enough to survive whatever the world throws at you, no matter what.
Well said!!
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