My two cents on...marriage (part one)

I say part one because I will probably have some more cents, or even sense, about marriage at some point in the future.  Who knows, I may even end up with a marriage (part 473) some day.  If only I could be that lucky.


Marriage is a funny thing.  There are many married people who walk this planet, but it seems not many of them are happily married.  Not many could write a book about marriage, or even a sentence.  Many will, sadly, end up divorcing and then will look back on their marriage 10 years down the road and wonder what exactly went wrong in the first place.  I will tell you what I know today about marriage.  It's not that much...but I'll tell you anyway.


First off, marriage is a full-time job.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of crap and is either divorced, has never been married, or secretly hates his/her spouse.  When I say full-time, I don't just mean full-time as in a work week's amount of time.  No, 40 hours a week, with holidays and weekends off isn't going to cut it honey, sorry.  Full-time, as in, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, and even a little extra on holidays.  Forever.  If that doesn't sound like something you'd love to sign up for, don't get married.  If you're already married, but they never told you that at the Clerk's window when you were acquiring your marriage license, I'm sorry but it's too late to turn back now.  Unless of course you'd like to read my blog on divorce, which I'll be writing soon (not in relation to my current, blissfully happy marriage).  Full-time boys and girls.  Got that?


Now, on to the nitty gritty.  Marriage is never 50-50.  Everyone says it is, but it actually isn't.  It's okay though, because it's not supposed to be.  Someone will always be giving a little more than they're taking or using a little more than they're dishing out, but that's why you're married.  You're each other's back up, so that when you need a little extra, your spouse is there to kick it in.  If you were always concerned with everything being 50-50, you'd be in the category above, on the road to divorce, talking about what you're doing on your weekends off from your marriage.  I will edit this statement by saying that a marriage should never stay unequally balanced though.  You should fluctuate back and forth.  Like a pendulum.  Sometimes it's daily, sometimes it's yearly, or anywhere in between.  I am currently having a bit of a needy year myself.  My loving husband is being a true gentleman to oblige.  I think I'll keep him around a while.


Next, your problems are his problems and his problems are your problems, and her problems are their problems and the dog's problems are everyone's problems.  Confused?  When you're married, what bothers you, bothers your spouse and vice versa.  That's understandable.  You share close quarters, you talk regularly (or you should be), you genuinely care about each other, etc.  So why wouldn't your problems be shared evenly among you both?  What no one really thinks through too clearly is how everyone else ties in to these shared problems.  If your problems are his problems, and you tell them to your mom, now his problems are your mom's problems and she already knows way too much about what goes on in your marriage for her or your own good.  What's shared between a husband and wife should stay there.  No one else needs to be involved in the issues that go on in your marriage, because no one will ever know the full scope of your marriage to begin with, so what part do they have to play in it anyway?  If you need someone to just listen to you, call a completely unbiased 3rd party like a psychiatrist or church pastor.  If you want to discuss the issue itself with someone who you need help from, talk to your spouse.  It's their problem too!


Speaking of talking...I know, I know.  I'm gonna say it, I'm so cliche: Communication is the key!  If you can't communicate your marriage will end and it will be ugly.  And then what makes you think your divorce will be roses if you can't communicate in your marriage?  I hate to break it to you, but there's a hell of a lot of communication that goes on in the breaking up of a marriage too.  What's the secret?  I have no idea.  I'll let you know when I figure it out.  Maybe that'll be in (part 473).  Really, what I do know is that you can always start over the next day, or even the next minute.  Stop yourself and say, "this is going nowhere, can we start again"?  Easier said than done.  My communication tactics are a little less subtle and usually end in some sort of dish in the trash in pieces, but I'm a work in progress.  Never give up.  Also, people communicate in many different ways.  Some people like to sit and talk immediately when a conflict arises.  Some need time to cool off before opening their mouths or else something really bad will come out (me).  Some people just don't like to talk at all and trying to get them to is like trying to shuck an oyster.  If you can figure out what your spouse's communication style is, and try to adapt to it, you're way ahead of the game.  Then there are the annoying little "rules" of communicating.  You know, like; don't sit and play on the computer/text/talk on the phone/clip your toenails/watch tv/jump rope while I'm trying to talk to you rule, or the don't interrupt me before I've even completed a sentence rule.  If you and your spouse can figure out what those rules for you are in advance, again, way ahead of the game.  Gold stars for you!


I'm going to make this one short and sweet.  No one wants to talk about "cheating".  No one wants to approach the definition because everyone thinks everyone else has a different definition and they're scared to death of what the other person's is.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if this isn't something you hammered out before you got married, your spouse could be cheating on you right now, by your definition, and they don't even know it.  Hubs and I's definition: Cheating is ANYTHING you wouldn't do or say with your spouse sitting right next to you.  Easy enough, feel free to steal it.


"I love you" never goes out of style.  Unlike those jeans you're holding on to that you keep shoving in the back of your drawer, hoping one day you'll fit into again, only to find out that high waisted acid wash is just not as flattering as it once was.  "I love you" is the perpetual black.  It goes with everything.  It can be dressed up for a night out or dressed down with some sweats for a snuggly movie night on the couch.  No one is ever going to look at someone who says "I love you" and say, "oh my gosh, that is so last season"!  It comes with some extra special, magical healing properties those new shoes didn't come with either.  Somehow, even on your worst day, when you hear it, you instantly feel better.  It can be given as a gift for a special occasion, wrapped in beautiful paper and ribbon, or it can be given as a daily affirmation, casually rolled off the tongue in passing.  "I love you" is the number one thing you can give your spouse to show them how much they mean to you.  Don't take these three tiny words for granted.  They are truly an amazing outfit to put on.


Whether you've been married 5 minutes or 50 years, your marriage should be just as important to you today as it was the moment you said those vows.  It takes two people to be happily married, and the world says it's easy to leave if you're not happy.  The world says happiness should look like the couple in the movies, and if it doesn't it's okay to run.  Happiness is what you and your spouse find in each other when you block out the world, give each other your full-time support and attention, and put on your very best "I love you" outfit every day.