A long long time ago, in a land far away, there lived a little girl named Ella. She was a beautiful little girl, who was smart and kind, and had a smile that could turn anyone's stormy day into a ray of sunshine. She was simply marvelous. She lived with her mom and step-dad, since her parents had divorced when she was only three years old. Her dad saw her usually every other weekend or so, but he also worked a lot, so Ella learned to count on him less as the years passed. She loved all of her parents, but worked especially hard at loving her dad the most. She thought he was her Superman.
When Ella was around eight years old, her dad became quite absent from her life all together. He had squandered away all of his money for the millionth time, he had no place for them to live when it was his time for visitation, and he had absolutely nothing to show for himself. This broke Ella's heart. She wanted so badly for her dad to make his life better so he could spend more time with her, but it just didn't seem like it was as important to him as it was to her. He always had some scheme or plan that fell through, followed by some grand excuse as to why he couldn't see her again that week. Many months went by while Ella's mom and step-dad tried to comfort her in her sorrow, and then finally word came that her dad had found a place to live and they could spend more time together again.
Things started off great for a few weeks. Ella couldn't have been happier. Her dad picked her up on his weekends and spent time with her. He even had a nice girlfriend that she fell in love with. Her heart was finally starting to heal, and she was feeling like everything was going to be ok. Her Superman was showing her just how much he cared. He was trying, so she tried to overlook the other things he would do, like he would make her feel bad for loving her step-dad, or tell her things like "you shouldn't have to do chores at your house, they treat you like Cinderella, I wouldn't treat you that way". Eventually, it really made Ella start to question her own family, wondering what was true and what was lies.
Then Ella's birthday came. The big 9! She was spending the day with her dad that year, and all year he had been promising her he would take her to Disneyland for the weekend. He said they would stay overnight there and everything. She had been excited for months! Ella's mom waited patiently till she came home the next night, wondering how the trip had gone. When Ella walked in the door it was clear something had gone terribly wrong. Through the cries and sobs, Ella's mom could make out a few things like "we didn't go to Disney...I didn't get any gifts, not even a card...he broke up with Christina and I didn't even get to say good bye". She was a crumpled mess on the floor. Not what a little girl should look like on her birthday, much less ever, after coming from seeing her father.
In the following weeks, Ella's dad found excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't see her, or why he couldn't call. He even went as far as to tell her one day that she wasn't worth making a trip to see for a few hours on his day off, because he had other stuff to do. When he finally did have the availability to see her, he did little to enjoy the time with her, and instead chose to sleep all day, Ella said, while she watched movies alone. The final straw for Ella was when she was telling her dad just how special she was, because she had a gift inside her. It was a gift for caring for others. Her mom had told her about it when she was trying to comfort her a few months earlier, and Ella really held onto it. Her mom called it empathy. She said Ella had this gift of being empathetic to others in a way that was special and that the world would be a much better place if more people had that special gift too. Ella's dad, upon hearing about this, told her she wasn't special at all, and that empathy is nothing but a word in the dictionary. That was it. Ella's heart had broken for the last time.
When she got home that day, there was something different about her. She wasn't the same Ella. Her smile wasn't as bright, and her eyes had lost their childlike sparkle. Ella had grown up in the car ride from her dad's house back home that day. She had sorted out a lot of things about the universe that no nine year old should have to sort out. She walked in and laid down the most staggering statement of brokenhearted conviction a child has ever uttered: "My dad doesn't love me, he doesn't think I'm important and he never tells me the truth. He says he loves me and I'm the most important thing in his life, but he doesn't act like it at all. He doesn't know who I am, and if he did, he wouldn't love me that way. My dad lives like there are two of me, and he spends all of his time searching for the me he wants me to be, the me who doesn't exist, that he has completely lost sight of the me who's standing right in front of him. He doesn't even know I'm here. He's never going to have time for me and he's never going to love me".
Ella's mom and step-dad loved her through the next several hours as she continued to sort out what she could and then she went to bed. That night changed their family forever. Ella would still have to see her dad after that, and they would still have good times and bad, but her heart was forever hardened that night. Her Superman had fallen from the sky in a fiery ball of his own kryptonite, never to be found again. She filled her heart with the love she received from her other parents, and clung to her step-dad, looking to him to be the true father in her life, but a small hole always remained.
What's the moral of this story...I don't know, do stories always have to have morals? Maybe it's not so much a moral, but a warning. A warning for those of you who are trudging through your lives thinking you've got better things to do than call your kids on their birthday, or go see them when you have some free time instead of do something for yourself. You'll regret it someday. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year. But when you're old, and she's grown, and you see how beautiful and marvelous and stunning she has become without you, you'll regret it. You'll regret how you missed out on all of the little things now, because they will seem so much bigger then. Let me warn you now, that once you've broken something as fragile as the heart of a child, you have not only destroyed any chance of you being able to repair it, but also of anyone else being able to repair it. That child will grow into an adult who feels a burn in their chest when they think of you. They'll tense up when someone mentions your name. Your birthday will come, and every year they'll debate sending you a birthday card or if they should call you. Maybe one year, they'll stop. You may not know the damage you've done till the day you also regret it, many years from now, but one day you'll know.
Whether you're divorced or not, treat your kids like the jewels they are. They will only be small for a short while, and you won't be Superman forever. You can either retire gracefully, still thought of fondly in the memory of your little girl who chuckles when she sees pictures of you running around with a bed sheet tied around your neck, or you can fall from the sky, shot down by the kryptonite from your own selfish, self-centered gun. The choice is yours.
My heart is breaking. I have tears streaming down my face. And I completely feel the pain that both you and your amazing little girl feel. I have been on both ends of this, both as "Ella" (although in a different way) and as Mommy. Please, please, please hug your beautiful girl for me, her NY friend, and let her know that she is not alone. We have an "Ella" here too, although it has not gotten to the same level, and a lot of our issue is the step mom. But she has felt a lot of pain in realizations about lying and who/what is more important to them. Your NY family loves and supports you all. <3
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