My two cents on...myself

A funny thing happened when I woke up this morning.  I was perusing my own blog (that sure does sound vain), and realized that I have made some pretty vast assumptions that my faithful readers somehow would know who I am, without me giving much information about myself for them to go on.  I've toyed with the notion that this is a public outlet, and being a private person I've always wanted to keep my personal life behind closed doors, but how am I supposed to share my two cents...or any sense for that matter...if you know nothing about me at all?  So I've decided to compile a random and slightly scattered list of things you should know about me, and some ideas I have about this blog moving forward.  I think I may post this under its own page, so it's accessible as its own entity and doesn't get lost in the shuffle. Hopefully you'll find it an interesting read, and maybe you'll even leave knowing a little more about me than you ever thought you wanted or cared to know about an anonymous person.  Enjoy!

• I'm a mom.  I have two kids.  I have been trying to find ways to refer to them as something other than "daughter" and "son" because that seems, well, so...biological.  I've decided to give them pseudonyms so that when I'm referring to them you'll know who I'm talking about and I can actually refer the them by "name" instead of as "daughter" and "son" all the time.  It gets difficult to write in that tense. I've decided to refer to my children by the following names from here on out:  
• My son, who is still a baby, is Little.  I've decided this will be his name because he is so absolutely NOT little.  He was big from the moment he was created.  He has lingered so far above the curve, he waves at the curve and says, "see ya later sucka"!!  I have a feeling he will never be little, so I will take this opportunity to call him the one thing I will never ever get the opportunity to call in him real life.  
• My daughter is The Noise.  She gets referred to as this because she has embraced it as her own for years.  She has always embodied the full definition of noise and therefore there is no more fitting name for her than THE Noise...the very essence of all that is noise.  She has no volume control, no off button, no mute.  Even when not talking, she finds other little ways to make noise, so when I think of her, and all of her amazing qualities, the noise is what stands out the most.
• I'm a wife.  I have a husband.  He's gonna get a name too.  I've decided to just call him Hubs.  That's always been his nickname anyway.  A little back story about him and I.  We went to High School together, and no one knew at the time that I had a little crush on Mr. Hotty McHot Pants.  We weren't even friends then, and he was way too cool for my nerdy self.  A weird twist of fate brought our paths together several years later, after we had lived our own versions of crazy, and now here we are, all makin' babies and junk!
• I'm divorced.  Whatev.  His royal toolness will forever be known from here on out as "X".  Just in case I ever write anything involving the need to use him as an example.  Nothing more needs to be said about him as a person.
• Moving right along...First and foremost, I think you should know I am very sarcastic.  If given the chance, I will always take the dry, sarcastic opportunity rather than the obvious, more noticeably humorous tactic.  Most people don't get my humor.  When I attempt to make a "funny", or should I say, my own sarcastic version of a joke, not many people laugh.  They usually look at me like I've just said something in a foreign language, give me a 12 second blank stare, and then move on with the conversation.  You'd think I'd learn by now that my style of humor is not well received, but no.  I just keep on with the charades as if I am certain one day everyone is going to wake up and realize, "oh, now I understand what that crazy chick's been on about all these years"!  My family doesn't get it either.  Especially The Noise.  She hates my humor.  At nine years old, she has had just about enough of my nonsense, and has instituted the giving of "the look" on many occasions when I've tried to be funny in her presence.  So, for your reference, I'll attempt to make you laugh in my blog, and if you don't, it's ok because I am.  I'm the only one that really finds myself as hilarious as I think everyone else should, but don't feel bad if you're not as amused as you think you should be.  There's a club of your kind out there forming right now.  Probably with pitch forks.  You're welcome to seek out a membership and join up.
• Another notable trait of mine is my habitual lateness.  To everything.  Always.  I'm not sure why I'm always late, but I am.  No matter what.  Chances are I'll be late to my own funeral.  Everyone will show up and the minister will say, "ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be just a few minutes.  Adrian actually hasn't arrived yet.  It seems there was a mix up at the funeral home and they tried to put on the wrong outfit for the ceremony.  She had a fit, and someone's running out as we speak to pick up the right outfit from the dry cleaners.  We really appreciate your patience".  It doesn't matter if I leave my house 10 minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere or an hour before I'm supposed to be somewhere, I will still be late.  If I have "extra time" as I like to call it, I'll probably stop at Starbucks along the way and get stuck behind the lady that orders six Frappucinos in the drive thru and then realizes she actually wanted Macchiatos, then I'll look at my gas gauge and notice I'm about to run out of gas (cause I was running late yesterday and didn't have time to stop), so I'll stop to fill up, spill gas on my shoes and then have to go home and change shoes before I can get back on the road to wherever I was going to begin with, and then I'll be late, even though I left early.
  
• Speaking of shoes...I have a serious love/hate relationship with shoes.  Heels to be exact.  The higher the better.  Colorful and beautiful and lovely.  I love shoes.  Excuse me for a moment while I clean up the drool that just landed on my keyboard from even thinking about all the shoes I own and wish I owned.  I love them.  The hate part of the relationship I have with shoes is that every time I go shopping, if I even step foot near the shoe department of any store I have to stop.  And God forbid I see something that catches my eye.  Then I must try them on.  And oh no.  If they fit.  Oh if they fit, then I have to stand there, wearing them, arguing with myself, usually out loud like a crazy person, as to why I don't need them (yes I do, who am I kidding) and why I can't afford them (I'll starve myself for a week, I could live without those carbs anyway).  Then a wave of guilt washes over me as I snap back into the real world.  I realize I have two kids and a husband and a stack of bills at home, I take off the glorious tractor beams of amazingness that have pulled me in, and I shamefully admit to the sales person that I won't be purchasing these lovelies today, and I shuffle off, full of hatred and self loathing for the torture I just put myself through.  See...love/hate.
• I'm a bit OCD in all the wrong ways.  I would love it if my OCD was related to keeping my house clean and in order, but it's not.  My house is always in a state of organized chaos.  I say organized chaos because even though there's stuff all over, I at least know where everything is.  I think that's a photographic memory thing though.  Hubs will ask me where something is (usually some obscure piece of paper) and I'll close my eyes and remember it's in that stack of paper (one of 17 different stacks) in the bedroom, about halfway down, right underneath a green flyer for Chinese food that was stuck on the door.  The OCD in me though is weird stuff I wish would go away.  I can't have my food on my plate touch, and I have to eat it in order, a little of each at a time (Hubs says I eat like a bird).  When I drive, I have to take the same route, even if I know it's the long way.  Everything I do has to be in even numbers, even when I turn the volume up or down on the TV, it has to be on an even number.  When I eat candy, like Skittles or M&Ms, I dump them all out and separate them into piles based on color, then I eat them in rainbow order, making sure they also all have the same number in each pile.  And last, I can't let people do certain things that I know how to do or else I'll have a for real anxiety attack because I know they'll do it wrong.  Yeah.
• And here's just a few quick randoms for your reading enjoyment or future blackmail: I hate cats, my favorite color is yellow, if I could be any animal in the world I'd be a tiger (weird because I hate cats), my favorite food is sushi, my favorite dessert is ice cream, I love to cook and write and draw, I don't like to read even though I want to be an author, I sing really loud in the car except when I pull up to a stop light, I hate when people speed through school zones so much that I speed up after them and flick them off, I have really bad eyesight, I have epilepsy, I get really bad migraines, I think I have adult ADD but I'm too busy and distracted to go see someone about it, I never say I'm sorry but I secretly feel really bad when I do something wrong, I yell too much, I had to do the dishes by hand so much as a kid I'd rather eat off paper plates for the rest of my life than wash dishes, I don't have many friends because I forget to call them even though I think about them all the time, my favorite band is Linkin Park, My hair's been pretty much every color in the rainbow at some point and I love to grow it out long and then cut it all off just to keep things spicy, I love going to the beach but I hate packing up all the stuff and finding a parking spot just to get there, I don't like talking on the phone, I have social anxiety even though most people think I'm really outgoing, and last but most importantly what you should know about me is that I value honesty above all else, and if you can't tell the truth and be who you are for yourself and others in this life, than who are you living it for?

So, hopefully now you know a little more about me, my world, and whatever other nonsense I just blabbed on about.  Feel free to ask any more questions you may have in the comments and if it's something I can answer without getting too personal, I will!