My two cents on...a Royal Wedding:

You're either going to love reading this because you DVR'd the wedding and have already watched it twice, or set your alarm clock to wake up at 4am to watch it live, or you are going to read the title of this blog and are going to gag your way through it because you boycotted watching it out of hatred for the fact that everyone you know went ga-ga over it for months.  That is if you actually read my dribble drabble in the first place, and kudos for you if you do!  Let's be friends!  

So I'll admit I watched the Royal Wedding today.  I did not wake up at 4am or DVR it, but I watched a replay on CNN.com.  I only did it for research purposes in writing this blog.  No, who am I kidding, I did it because like every girl I secretly, deep down inside, want to be a princess.  I want to know that I can grow up plain and regular and then one day a handsome prince will come into my life and think I'm special and want to sweep me off my feet and carry me away into my fairy tale happily ever after on his white horse.  Why did you watch it?  You know you did, don't lie.  Even if you didn't watch all two and a half hours, you know you watched a few highlights.


I've heard a lot of grumblings about this particular wedding.  I know there are cynics out there that hate weddings in general, and I guess that's understandable, as I hated weddings once too.  Having your heart ripped out, stomped on, spit on, chewed up, thrown up, put in a blender and made in to a shake for the neighbor's dog to drink and poop out will do that to you.  But why do these people want to hate just this one wedding?  I've heard several reasons.  Some have said they are just sick of hearing about it and just want it to be over.  Fair point.  I bring you back to my discussion about watching the news though.  Stop watching the news if you don't like what you see.  Problem solved.  Some have said that they don't want to watch it because they don't care about the Royals.  Well that's fine.  You're entitled to not care about them.  They certainly don't care about you either.  Just don't be mad if there's another World War and you expect them to have our back.  They're gonna say (in their accent), "Oh, you didn't want to watch our golden boy get married to his princess?  Well then we don't give a crap if you get bombed you unruly bunch of miscreants"!  I don't know if they'd be that serious, but what if they were?  Then there are others who have argued that the reason they don't want to watch or even hear about this wedding is because it's going on in another country and we should all be focused on what's going on over here instead of being so worried about what's going on over there.  Woah.  I'm gonna need to start a new paragraph for that one.


Now, let me get this straight.  You're telling me that you don't think anyone should give a wedding in England the time of day, even if it does happen to be 4am, just because it's happening on the other side of the world and we should all be focused on what's happening in our country instead.  Well that sounds great except for the fact that we have half our population concerned with world affairs other than our own, and not good ones I might add, far exceeding that of a Royal Wedding.  After I watched the wedding, I scrolled through my Facebook updates and came across numerous friends' statuses that were saying things like the above, and it got me thinking about this more in depth.  It made me wonder why it is that we are so concerned with this foreign wedding when we do have things going on here that we could be focusing our time on.  Or why there are millions of people who woke up early or put together watch parties for this event, that couldn't care less about other National events such as the elections or the Olympics for example.  I started to form some thoughts that directed me back to the reason I actually watched it on my laptop, sitting at my dining room table, while eating my Cuban bread and drinking my morning cup of tea.


People watch this because it gives them hope.  It gives them hope that the world is not completely gone to shit.  When all there is on the news is violence and war and bombings and death, people are refreshed to see a Royal face smiling happily back at them, in love. England is still a fairy tale land in some people's minds.  They have Kings and Queens and Princes and Princesses.  People dress up in their finest fancy hats to attend the wedding of the century where the plain, common girl marries the Prince and they ride off in daddy's blue Astin Martin.  People watch because it shows that romance and love and faith in humanity still exist in mankind.  An entire country shut down to wish it's Royal family well today, knowing that they would be ok and that all would be well without having to worry about their government being shutdown that day.  They lined the streets for miles and miles just to catch a glimpse of the future Princess in her stunning humility.  They dressed themselves head to toe in their patriotic colors, flags and banners and stood outside for hours showing their support for the Future King and Queen, who many wouldn't  even be alive to see their coronation.  What a sight.  That's why people watched.


Now am I saying that's the only reason they watched?  Heck no!  You know I watched so that I could dog some of those chicks that looked completely ridiculous in their whacko hats and dresses that looked like they could have come straight off a Martian.  Then there were some of those other "ladies" that looked like they needed a refund from Aunt Mable's School for Etiquette because a) they couldn't figure out how to get out of the back seat of that car without letting all of London and all of France see straight up their underpants, b) their makeup application could have been toned down just a touch, as this wasn't auditions for the next Ms. Tranny America, and c) if you're gonna wear those Christian Louboutins honey, you better know how to walk in them or else you just look like you have a stick up your butt.


Now let's have a little fun and I'll go over some of the highlights for the sticks in the mud who didn't feel like watching ;)


This is Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (she's married to Prince Charles just in case you weren't aware.  Prince Charles is the late Princess Diana's widower).  She almost dropped a kid over the railing of the balcony at Buckingam Palace when the Royal couple was giving their final kiss.  Nicely done moron.  Last I heard both Princess Diana and Michael Jackson were both deceased so no need to try and fill either one of their shoes.  Nice hat, not.

Here's a little show of just a few (yes, just a few) of the top most obnoxious hats of the day, you'll notice Victoria Beckham made the list:

And lastly, I'm going to call out my all time funniest, stupidest hat award of the day, and it goes to...Princess Beatrice of York.  WTF was she thinking!!! 

Enjoy your day everyone, and remember, there's nothing a fancy hat and a positive attitude can't fix.  So turn that frown upside down and ask a neighbor if you can watch the Royal Wedding they most certainly DVR'd, because now you know you really want to, don't you!

My two cents on...divorce (part two) and being a single mom

I woke up this morning and felt moved to speak specifically to a piece of my life I spent as a single mother.  I spent a long time there, and I learned a lot.  I will always hold a special place in my heart for single moms, and it's because of this that I feel the need to write about them now.  I labeled this one under my divorce topic because my single mom-ness "technically" came from my divorce.  


I want you to think of the first single mom you know.  If you don't know one, think of one from a movie or a story you know of.  Form her in your mind, and bring all her attributes forward.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty, or is she plain?  What color is her hair, her skin?  Is she tall, short, slim, heavy?  Now think of her child(ren).  Do you know them?  How old are they?  Are they nice, well behaved?  What are their names, ages, likes, dislikes?  Can you think of anything else about her and her kids that sticks in your mind?  Ok, let's move on.


Now, let's talk about her.


How did she get this way?  Single moms don't wake up one day and decide they'd love to raise their kids on their own because they think they are just so awesome that no man in the world could possibly keep up with their awesomeness.  Something happened.  Either she was married and divorced, or her and the father may have never been married and had some falling out where they couldn't be together.  Either way, she's single now and she's probably scared to death.  Will she ever admit that to you?  Hell no.  Will she pray to God every night that she'll wake up less scared the next day?  Absolutely.


What do her friends say about her?  If her friends stick around you mean?  That's right.  Her friends will have a pretty hard time keeping up with her now that she has to work two jobs and extra hours to pay the bills, the babysitter, the dog walker, the boy that mows the lawn, the handy man, and the private investigator that's still stalking her ex trying to dig up more dirt for their impending court date.  She doesn't have much free time to hang out, and whatever time she does have, she's spending with her kids.  She invites those friends over, but most of them don't really want to come over and just sit around doing nothing, since she can't really afford much, so they decline her invitation.  There are some that wait around for her "off weekends" and tell her how lucky she is to have every other weekend "free" from her children.  Apparently they've never felt the pain of being completely alone on a holiday.  Those friends dwindle away and the rare few who do remain her friend really stick by her side no matter what.  They are the ones she can call on at 3am when she needs a ride to the emergency room with a sick toddler and her car won't start.  Those friends are priceless and she'll need them to survive.  Are you one of them?


What does her family think of her?  That depends on which side of the family you're talking about.  See, the liberal side of her family is just fine.  They love her and accept her and are there for her and her kids.  The conservative side of her family on the other hand has had a really hard time accepting her back with loving arms after this whole "situation".  She's really been ostracized, cast out, pushed aside.  It hurts her and cuts her to the core to know that her own flesh and blood could feel so much hatred for her, but she trudges back, time after time, holiday after holiday, hoping they'll take her back.  She sits across from Aunt Mary at the Thanksgiving table, eyes cast downward, listening to her call her a coward and a liar for the hundredth time and she swallows her pride and takes it.  One day they'll love her again she thinks.  Her kids are treated differently and it kills her to watch.  One day she'll have to decide if she wants to keep torturing herself, or if she should just remove herself from her family for a while to ease the pain for everyone.  How would you feel if you had to make that choice?


Does the world look kindly on her?  No.  As a single mom she doesn't fit in to a "group" so therefore, she can't be classified and is considered a strange lab experiment to be studied further until figured out.  Honestly, it's the truth.  She's not single anymore, so she really can't hang out with the single crowd.  Conventional dating is completely out of the question because the first words out of her mouth when she meets a nice guy are "I have kids".  What follows is either, the guy gives her a weird look followed by an excuse as to why he's all of the sudden late for an important something, or he becomes all too interested in her and her kids which gives her a weird feeling and an immediate need to be suddenly late for an important something.  There is no fine balance.  She may as well just forget dating and stay single.  Well, not really single.  But she's definitely not welcome near the married crowd.  Oh no.  They don't want her anywhere near their Kool-aid.  Especially the wives.  Because after all, she's single.  But not really, but sort of.  She's enough single to steal their husbands away, so she better back off.  And she's technically a mom, but she doesn't fit in with the rest of the moms at her kid's school.  Especially if her kids happen to go to Catholic school, and all the moms there just happen to drive mini-vans and have stuck up little attitudes about them and their perfect little kids.  (Oh, that reminds me, I had something else I wanted to write about!).  She gets stared at by the other moms as if she's an alien mom from another planet who wears a sign that says "I'm an alien mom and I don't speak English, and I bite children's heads off, and I spray poisonous venom on anyone who comes with 500 yards of me so stay away, but I really love that handbag"!  She sits quietly as she hears the other moms chatter behind her at the school play, and cringes as she hears one mom tell the other that she knows what single moms feel like because her husband is out of town on a business trip for a week.  If they only knew.


What does she think of herself?  When she looks in the mirror, what does she see?  Do you think she likes it?  When you were picturing her in your head above, do you think she sees the same picture?  I can guarantee you she doesn't.  She sees a monster.  She doesn't understand why God did this to her.  She doesn't understand why things have to be this way.  She wakes up everyday and has to figure out how to tear herself into a thousand pieces so there's enough of her to go around.  She has to be the mother, father, husband, wife, protector, disciplinarian, nurturer, teacher, friend, chauffeur, cook, maid, therapist, spiritual director, listener, supporter and number one cheerleader for her kids, with a smile on the outside at all times, never once letting on to the fact that she's hurting on the inside.  She has to remember to schedule doctors appointments, teacher conferences and play dates.  She has to be the one to make the lunches, help with the school projects and do the last minute outfit shopping for the dress up day she found out about an hour ago.  She has to figure out how to stretch the money further than it can go to get more than it is able to, so her kids never go without.  She will go to bed hungry some nights just so her kids are fed.  She will cry herself to sleep most nights sure she's just not good enough.


And what about those kids?  If they could write in to my award-winning (not) blog, what would they say about their single mom?  They would call her a super hero.  They would tell everyone they know that they have the coolest mom on the planet.  They would totally agree that she's an alien who bites children's heads off, and that she should never ever date, but they would be the first to admit that she loves them more than anyone else on this planet, or any other planet for that matter.  Her kids will love her more deeply than she could ever imagine and will grow up with a respect for her that she will never fully know or appreciate until they reach adulthood.  


So this paragraph is for all the single moms.  The ones who work one, two or three jobs just to put food on the table for at least your kids.  For the ones who've been on one too many bad dates with weird guys who either scarf down their food when you mention your kids, or ask if they can come right over and take little Johnny out to play ball after dinner on your very first date.  This is for the moms who have been pushed aside and cast out by your friends, family or others for just being you, and for trying to be the best mom you can be, even if that means you have less time to be the best friend or family member you can be.  This is for all the moms that sit alone every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day, Halloween, New Years and any other holiday, including your child's birthday, with a tall drink and a box of tissues, wishing you could shove something in that hole to make the pain go away.  You are not alone or forgotten.  You aren't weird, strange or different.  You're not a lab rat or science experiment and you don't deserve to be studied under a microscope either.  You are beautiful and special mothers of beautiful and special children, and for anyone who doesn't see that they can...well...I'll let you fill in the blanks.

My two cents on...filling out paperwork:

Paperwork:  n. The mindless, endless and useless pages upon pages of dead trees we have to fill out for every stage in life you can imagine, in order to satisfy some evil, secret paper troll's hungry paper obsession.


Have you ever gone to the doctor, and you think you got there just in the nick of time, you know like one minute early, and you go to sit down and they say "Mrs. Smith?" in that sweet doctor's office receptionist voice?  You walk up to the little counter with the bubble glass window that they shut when they want to talk about you behind your back, and they sweetly hand you a clipboard with a pen attached to a dangly metal chain, which is a subliminal sign of your impending doom, and ask you to go sit down and fill out the paperwork attached.  It doesn't look so bad until you realize each page is front and back, and the size of the font is so small you need your magnifying glass your grandfather gave you when you were five to kill bugs with, but you forgot that at home.  Now what?  You start to fill in the blanks, squinting to see the questions.  "Name:"  What if your name is longer than Joe Smith?  Mine is.  The line isn't long enough.  Now what do you do?  The space between each line is impossible to squeeze the extra letters in.  You're forced to do the wrap around the side of the page maneuver that you used to do in kindergarten when you wrote in giant size font diagonally across the page.  Well this is real professional.  You move on.  "Address:"  Again, unless you live on 231 Main, in Boston, MA, it's probably not gonna fit.  I feel bad for the people that live in Philadelphia or Chattahoochee.  Why are the lines so small?!  Then you have to go through your whole life: Date of birth, age, sex, SSN, hair, eyes, weight, height, smoker/drinker/drug use, allergies, medical history, insurance info, etc.  That's just on page 1, side 1.  So you fill it all in, your hand cramps up from trying to neatly print all the information, you flip the page over, and wouldn't you know the same damn questions are staring you in the face!  After six pages of filling out virtually all of the same exact information, on all the tiny little lines, you notice you're now 20 minutes past your scheduled appointment time.  You walk up to the counter to turn in your clipboard, secretly wishing you would have just hung yourself with the stupid little metal chain, because it would have been less painful.  The bubble glass window is closed and remains so for about a minute, as you stand there, until the no longer sweet receptionist opens it, snatches the clipboard and directs you to "sidown".  It's the paperwork they're after.  Another 20 more minutes go by before you're called back, you spend five minutes with the doctor once he arrives in your room, and then they send you on your way.  You wasted most of your time there filling out that paperwork!  Don't get relieved that it's over though, because when you go back next year, you'll have to do it all over again so they can "update their records".


Have you ever tried to apply for any type of...well anything really?  It used to be a lot easier, but now if you want to apply for anything you have to basically provide your entire life's story.  This includes birth certificate, marriage license, divorce decree, social security card, passport, high school diploma, college diploma, business licenses, driver license, voter's license, kidney, first born child, etc.  If you don't have all of those things in order, good luck trying to get them.  Talk about paperwork.  And you can't get them all from the same place, so you have to research where to get each item individually, then fill out the necessary paperwork to go with each item, submit it with copies of the supporting documents you need, plus payment of course, and then wait about a month.  For example, if you get married and need to change your last name, you need to change your social security card and your driver license.  Well, you can't change your license without your social security card and you can't apply for a social security card without a license.  So...yeah.  If you want to buy a car, you need insurance before you can drive it, but insurance companies won't insure the car if you don't own it.  Who would buy a car they can't drive or insure a car they don't own?  It's all about the paperwork and the exact order in which it gets filed.  Good luck.


Just this past week, I decided to start a business.  I filed the paperwork to create an LLC.  You can do that online now.  In 10 minutes, you can create a company out of thin air.  You can also acquire an EIN from the IRS online in the same amount of time.  Poof!  So, this is exactly what I did!  I started my business.  I built a website, created a brand, etc. all in one evening  That same night (I work fast, I'm a mom) I was creating my Facebook page and noticed there was a company in NY with the same name I had chosen for my business and they had trademarked the name.  I had looked into this prior to choosing my name, but the world of small businesses is cloudy and convoluted at best so I never came across this company before forming mine.  I was at a crossroad and had two choices:  I either contact this company and let them know about the situation and ask them if they will allow me to operate under this name, since I am just a one woman, small local business, or I can just pretend I didn't see it, continue to do my thing, and hope their company never found out (which they probably never would have).  I chose the first.  I contacted the owner directly, told her the situation and heard back from her the same evening.  I could not use the name, and would have to come up with a new one.  Well, I'm glad I chose to operate my business morally and honestly, but it meant more paperwork.  Apparently, even though you can start a business online, you can't do anything else to one online.  I had to write a letter, fill out several forms with the tiny lines, submit another application, and make a phone call to the IRS just to try to change the name of my business.  Damn paperwork, you win again!


Now, remember how I talked before about divorce?  Downer!!  Well, this is the king of paperwork!  I call it the king because no woman in her right mind would have invented something that would cause someone to waste as much time as this one.  I was divorced in 2006.  What year is it?  Oh yeah, 2011.  Guess what I got in the mail?  You guessed it.  Paperwork to fill out for my upcoming court date (remember how I told you that divorce involving children would haunt you for all of eternity?).  This paperwork is something I can assure you I've filled out about 47 times since 2005 when this all started.  I am NOT exaggerating.  I've been told the reason you have to fill out these types of redundant documents (as well as the tiny-lined beauties at the doctor's office) is because so many different entities need different copies of their own versions of the same information.  You'd think they'd all figure out a way to condense what they need into one form and just make 16 copies instead, but that would just be too easy.  Anyway.  I've been procrastinating on filling out this monstrosity because, well to be honest, I'd rather eat it than have to fill out one more godforsaken page.  Even if I try I don't think my poor hand will cooperate.  I believe it may be on strike at this particular moment.  I'm staring at it right now.  Maybe I'll just start making things up that actually fit on those tiny lines.  Name: Joe Smith, Address:  231 Main, Boston, MA.


In the age of iPhones that can live your life for you in some sort of app and tiny computers that live inside your dog in case he gets lost, why are we still filling out all this paperwork?  Isn't there some way we can make it go away?  Or at the very least, make the flipping lines longer and space them out a little more for us people with long names and cities with more than five letters?  Maybe, if we thought really hard about this, some genius, clearly not me, could come up with a way to scan all those useless documents into some mega computer, and take the billions of useless pieces of paper that are sitting in all the government offices, doctor's offices, etc. and figure out a way to make fuel out of it so we don't have to pay $17 a gallon for gas, or spend an hour at a doctor's appointment that should only take 12 minutes.    

My two cents on...everyone else's two cents on politics and the world news in general:

Who doesn't love to start the morning with a nice, steamy cup of politics and sarcasm?  I know I do!  Well, let's get started shall we?

I don't care about politics at all.  I don't vote (gasp!), I don't get into heated debates about candidates' personal lives or past scandals, and I can't stand "this message was approved by blah blah blah" campaign ads taking up my time.  I watch people around me get consumed by politics.  I've seen it literally tear families in half.  Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, Right-wing, Left-wing...what does it all even mean?  The lines aren't even clear anymore.  No one stays to one side or the other anyway.  Can you honestly say you support every single item on the agenda of a candidate on either side of the fence?  Probably not, because no candidate plays solely for either team.  That's politics for ya!  Funny how that cliche fits so nicely when you're actually talking about politics.  When it's election time, it is so humorous to me to watch everyone scuttle around in secret talking about who they're going to vote for.  They won't tell you, even if you pay them, who they circled on that ballot come November.  Funny though, that about a year later, when whoever it is that was elected is screwing up, everyone is so open about who they voted for, because no one voted for "that guy".  How did he get in office then?  Hmmmm.

Speaking of everyone hating the guy that's in office, let's take a brief moment to talk about the big cheese who holds the main office.  Mr. President himself.  How come no one ever likes the president?  We can look back on him years later and think, "yeah, that guy was alright", but while he's in office, he's a total dirtbag that we'd give anything to lynch if we could.  What an angry, ungrateful mob of heathens we are.  Let's roll back a few years to Mr. Clinton, for example.  We wanted to impeach him so bad and kick his butt out of office for not understanding if he did or didn't have sex with his intern in the White House, or even at all for that matter, but he fooled us and got off on a technicality.  How could this man run a country if he couldn't understand a simple question?  Now, years later, we're ready to canonize the man as one of the greatest presidents since JFK; who also had a problem keeping it in his pants if you know what I mean.  Fast forward to Mr. Bush or as he was more affectionately known: "Dubya".  He was one of the most hated presidents of all time.  Why?  For everything from starting a war, to wanting to end a war, to the way he talked, walked, looked, dressed, supported our troops, didn't support our troops, created a hurricane of mass destruction that purposely killed the black people he hated and everything you can possibly think of in between.  Ok, that's fine if you didn't like the guy, that's your prerogative.  Now we have Mr. Obama, who everyone thought was going to be the next best thing to save the world since Superman himself, and now that he isn't, Mr. Bush suddenly isn't looking so bad is he?  What the hell is wrong with us?!!!  We're like a bunch of psycho women who purposely date scumbag guys and then when the relationship is over, we're like, "oh, he wasn't that bad" because the next guy we're with is worse, so of course the one before looks like a prince!  We need counseling.  Seriously.

Anyway, back on track...I hate watching the news.  World or local, I despise them both equally.  What a waste of time.

Local news makes me sad because it forces me to look my community in the eyes and face the evil that stares back at me.  I'm fearful of the world I'm raising my children in, and I feel disheartened at the state of our city, since it seems there's nothing anyone can do to save us all from ourselves.  But me watching in shock, horror, awe and disbelief isn't going to change these hateful people, is it?  No.  Am I going to call my neighbor up and say, "let's go gather up a search party and find that suspect and serve him some justice of our own"!  No.  Am I going to arm myself with my legally acquired, legally permitted weapon and run around in the night like some self-proclaimed vigilante neighborhood watchman?  Hell no.  So what is the point of me watching it and getting upset about it?  There isn't one.  I can't change it, and as much as we all secretly want to believe we are important and special, we're not.  We can't just walk out our door and say "STOP" and expect all the crimes of the community to halt in their tracks.  We can't even get anywhere by taking the drastic measures some think they should, by writing letters and calling the police every five minutes and storming the gates of the local mayor's office.  It's clearly getting us nowhere because the crime will always outweigh the good.  Doesn't it sound like I'm saying we should all just lay down and take it?  Wow, I am such a sissy!!  No, I'm just saying I'm sick of hearing everyone getting so up in arms about what they're gonna "do about it".  Protect yourself, protect your family, and have some common sense, but other than that Mr. Joe Citizen, stop freaking out all over the place and just focus on your life before it passes you by.  Your kids will thank me later.  

World news is a whole different animal.  People get really geared up about world news.  This is where I just roll my eyes.  As if you're really going to get on a plane and fly over to the middle east and start laying down the law.  Get a life.  I am sick to death of hearing, seeing and reading conversations about all of the major topics in today's world news, where people end the conversation with everything that should be done about it, like "they totally need to...because of...or else the world's gonna...".  I understand you have your opinion, and that's fine, but I really don't need it crammed down my throat at every moment of every day in every conversation.  Have you ever met that world news radical?  You know, the one who is always up on the latest news stories you've never heard, and reads like different 12 newspapers, and watches CNN all day.  The one who posts these news stories on Facebook every five minutes with their 14 page dissertation on "what they'd like to do about" such and such situation.  Or the one that can't seem to talk about anything other than the news story they saw every time you try to have a conversation.  Those people make me nuts!  They make me nuts mostly because I've come to notice that they are also the same people who carry a self-righteous chip around on their shoulder all the time, and they're the same people who, when you try to actually talk with them about said issue, they argue with you about your viewpoint as if you are now the enemy because your perspective is ignorant and beneath them.  It's almost like they want to bring these breaking world news stories to everyone's attention, to show everyone how "plugged in" they are to the inner circuit, but they don't want anyone to actually talk to them, agree, disagree or otherwise, because they feel that their viewpoint is the only one that is intelligent enough to even hold any weight in the matter.  Blech.  Disgusting.  I'd rather talk with my kids about the latest news happenings on Yo Gabba Gabba.  


I don't have cable.  I don't read the news on my computer.  I rarely will willingly seek out information if I've heard rumblings of it within my circle of family and friends.  Take the latest "Uterus Scandal" in my state for example.  All of the sudden, I see everyone posting crap about incorporating their uterus, and wear a UTERUS button, and people are shouting out the word "uterus" at every turn.  So, I take the time to look this one up.  I waste 20 minutes of my life I can never get back reading the news story revolving around this ridiculous use of the word, and all the hubbub surrounding it in the government now.  Apparently it's made national news!  Are you kidding.  If you haven't heard, please don't waste your time reading about it.  Anyway...Call me small minded.  Call me unpatriotic.  Call me ignorant.  Call me whatever you will.  I don't care.  I have about 10,000 other things in my life to do, that I feel are way more important, than to sit around and "oh my gosh, did you see that" about the crap in the news or in the world of politics.  I have a marriage to attend to, kids to raise, bills to pay, a job to do, and apparently a blog to write that all take precedence before the happenings of our world that I couldn't give two craps about.  


The ONLY exception I have to any of the above, is the military.  I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for our military and what they sacrifice for us everyday.  They are the ones who DO go out there and "do something about" all the crap we see on the news.  I am heartbroken when I see another military family who loses a loved one, only to have that story trumped by the scumbag who beat his wife taking the Breaking News slot in their hometown's local news.  If all that played on the news was stories about our heroes, I'd never turn it off.  They deserve our respect and concern every day, more than what we give to the other nonsense in our communities.  Far too often, our minds are consumed by the stupidity of the situations instead of who's trying to help combat those situations for us, and we all need to remember the members of our military both active and reserve, military families, and military leaders in their quest for the safety and protection of our freedom to enjoy all of the luxuries we as Americans have come to enjoy, including but not limited to sitting around watching mindless and endless garbage on the news.

My two cents on...divorce (part one)

Okay, I promised I would write it in response to my marriage post, so here goes.  My apologies for slipping that gangsta post in between, but maybe we needed a little segue for a reason.  Again, I say (part one) because I will probably have something else to say about it in the future.

This is what I know about divorce, first and foremost; if you think your marriage is hard, divorce is harder, especially if you have children.  If you read this blog and leave with nothing else, leave with the advice that you should give everything to your marriage, leaving nothing at the door, deciding there is no reason you would seek to divorce your spouse, NO MATTER WHAT.  I can assure you that the alternative will hurt you more than you could have ever imagined, and will hurt those around you, even those you never thought possible.  It destroys families, friends, extended families, your reputation, your job in some cases, your credit (oh Lord, I could write a whole blog on just that!) and so many more things no one would ever foresee.  Read on.

When you wake up one day and decide you don't want to be married anymore...wait, no, that's not how it happens...let me start over.  When you wake up one morning and wonder what the hell happened and why you feel like you carry around a ton of bricks on your back everyday, you look in the mirror and realize it's because you are unhappily married and have been for however long you can remember.  It's been all the little things you've been adding to that pile you're carrying.  It's usually not some giant monumental boulder that occurred over night.  It's more commonly many, many tiny stones you've accrued over time, almost unnoticeable, until you wake up and realize you just can't stand because the load is too heavy to bear.  This moment brings you to a cross road.  More often than not your spouse has a load on his/her back too, and if you've been having a problem communicating as we talked about regarding marriage, that could be your biggest hurdle.  Whereas talking about it collectively could ease the burden for both of you and alleviate the pain, lack of communication could be detrimental to the entire foundation of your marriage.  This is usually the breaking point.  The point where you look at each other and say, "this isn't working, I want out".  Irreconcilable differences.  What does that even mean?  I'm too different for you to be able to fix?  No.  It means we just don't want to try anymore.  A marriage takes two people, giving the other mutual respect and acceptance, and once that's gone, all that's left is an irreconcilable difference.

Now let's say for instance you do have that boulder of a moment.  Let's say there is an "event".  Who knows what it is, but it's obviously so bad that you feel you can't be married to this person anymore because their behavior was so heinous they aren't even deserving of your forgiveness much less your continued partnership in marriage.  Well then, yes, you wake up and say, "I want a divorce because you did this (...). For better or worse doesn't apply anymore and I want out".

I live in Florida, so I will speak to Florida law for a second.  It's really easy to get divorced here.  In most states, the spouse requesting the divorce has to prove the other spouse did something wrong.  They have a list of things to choose from, pretty bad things, and if they have a slimy enough attorney, they can always come up with something, but it at least takes some effort.  Then, many states that don't want to enforce the at-fault divorce requirements will allow no-fault divorces, where the spouse petitioning the courts just has to tell the court that they want to dissolve the marriage because of "irreconcilable differences" (aka we don't get along anymore and don't feel like trying).  They will require a separation period where the spouses must follow guidelines for separation, to basically cool off and think about what they're doing, lasting anywhere from 6 months to 3 years, before the court will grant their divorce.  Okay, then there are 16 states, Florida included, that the court says, "hey, come on in, tell us that you want to get divorced because you just don't get along anymore (aka irreconcilable differences) and we'll give you a divorce on the spot, the other spouse doesn't even have to show up or sign off on the paperwork".  That really is true by the way.  If you think that you want to save your marriage by refusing to sign the divorce papers, unfortunately they will proceed without your signature and you'll be divorced anyway.  That's what "no-fault" allows them to do.  Real classy Florida.

So now you're on the road to divorce and you're thinking that once you get these papers drawn up and signed it'll all be over and you can just "move on".  I can't tell you how many people I know personally or have talked to over the years who have gotten divorced that say those two words.  Ladies and gentlemen, no, you don't just "move on", especially if you have kids.  A divorce with no kids will last a while.  It will hurt because at some point you loved that person you're now staring at from the other side of the table.  You loved them on your wedding day when you were laughing and talking about your dreams and your future.  Now you're talking about who's going to liquidate the life insurance and the 401k and who gets to keep the beach house.  There's no future in that, you just liquidated it.  Who takes the memories?  All the pictures and treasures from places you've been and things you've experienced together?  Who gets to cherish those?  Or do they get tossed in the same pile your marriage did?  What happens to those things after the gavel falls for the last time and you hear the judge say "motion to dissolve granted"?  Those words sting boys and girls.  Even if you had that monumental boulder on your back, those words hurt worse.

A divorce involving children will last forever.  Be prepared before you get married for the possibility of spending the rest of your life with this person as your children's mother or father, regardless if you stay married to them or not.  It doesn't just last 18 years, or until the child support ends, if the other party even pays child support (good luck with that one).  It lasts forever.  This divorce is about a million times more painful too, because you know that your child will ultimately pay the highest price for your failed marriage.  The pain of that rips at your heart constantly, on top of the pain of the divorce itself.  If you have chosen to divorce, with children, you better have a damn good reason.  You will be in and out of court for years.  Even in lenient states like Florida, the child custody, child support and visitation laws and guidelines are terribly confusing, ill-written, stupid, not well thought out, and constantly changing, so you will find yourself needing to return to the judge every time you want to do anything outside what you originally said you would do in your original settlement agreement.  For instance, I had to go back to court to petition the judge to require "X" to provide The Noise with her own room, equipped with four walls, a bed and a door, because it wasn't clearly spelled out in the original agreement.  Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars fighting for the children you love to have the life you want them to have, free from worry, stress or harm, because you now have to provide it alone, mutually exclusive from their father or mother.

So I bet you're asking yourself, if divorce is so bad, and you are so against it Adrian, why did you get divorced?  How come you can be so preachy to everyone about not getting divorced when you, yourself have done the crime, with a child to boot?!  Doesn't this make you a hypocrite?

Given the fact that this is a public outlet, I will not go into details of my divorce or my personal information, but I will agree that I am divorced and have a child who is a casualty of that.  I will say she is severely scarred from it and continues to get hurt in some way, shape or form almost daily.  If could take it away, I would do anything to erase it, just to ease her pain.  In my case, I should have made different choices to begin with, but I can't turn back the hands of time no matter how hard I try.  I don't consider myself a hypocrite, because I am fully aware of my mistakes and own them and live with my scars openly.  My message regarding my choice is that, as I've said, you should know before you get married that this is someone you can live with for the rest of your life as the mother or father of your child.  That was my mistake.  I didn't take the time to think that through.  I hope someone can learn from my example and take the time to think before they make a decision to marry someone on a whim.  


Marriage is for life, just as a child is for life.  You can't look at your child one day and say, "I just don't feel like getting along with you anymore, so I don't want to be your mom/dad".  Why should a marriage be any different?  Don't get married if you're not sure of who you are or who the person is you're going to say your vows to, because it's not nearly as easy to undo them as you may think.  Forever actually does mean forever, and for better or worse actually does mean for better or worse.  Divorce just means you'll have to live with the "worse" in some way forever.

My two cents on...gangstas

U betta hold on to yo seats bitches cuz shits bout to get deep...

Yeah.  I really just said that.

First, let me describe a "gangsta" for you before I give you my full two cents on the matter.  I'm going to pretend it's 1990-something and I'm Jeff Foxworthy, but instead of the "You know you're a redneck" checklist I'm going to make the "You know you're a gangsta" checklist:

You know you're a gangsta when:

• No one knows you by your real name, only your "street name"...aka Peanut.
• The number of teeth in your mouth covered in gold outweighs the number of teeth not covered in gold. 
• Your car is a piece of crap, usually two or three different colors not counting the rust, a door or window probably doesn't work, your tint is bubbling or half peeled off, but your rims are no less than 20" and that chrome be shinin'!!  
• You have the rims described above and you probably got them from Rent n Roll because the crack business just isn't what it once was so you need a payment plan...be careful, if you don't pay your bill, your car will be on cinder blocks in the morning.
• I believe Lil' Boosie put it best; "Gas tank on E, but all drinks on me"...you pull up to the club on fumes, but step inside and you're a VIP!
• Your age multiplied by the number of fingers you throw up in your gang sign equals the number of times you've been in jail.
• You post up pictures of yourself with all sorts of incriminating items such as drugs, guns, gang signs, etc on public forums for all to see (this is more specifically referred to as a Facebook gangsta, MySpace gangsta, etc) as if giving a big middle finger to anyone in a position of authority; "what, you can't do nothin".
• Everything you've ever gotten in trouble for has always been someone else's fault, including the power that gets cut off every month because the bill doesn't get paid...that's your mama's fault because she misspelled Progress Energy on the money order.
• You don't have a job because it's way easier to "trap or die" when you're not tied down to a 9-5. 
• When you're not fighting them for a profit, you walk your collection of pitbulls on chains because only pussies walk their dogs on leashes.
• You have at least two to three kids, most certainly with different baby mamas, because it's important to make sure your prestigious family blood line gets carried on through the generations...but if those bitches ask for child support, they're on their own, cause that ain't your kid.
• You have teardrops tattoo'd on your face.
• When the cops pull you over, before they even question you, you answer "it's not mine".

I think that'll do for now.  Get the picture?  I don't like gangstas.  If you answered yes to the questions above and are reading this blog, I apologize in advance.  Not really, because you probably lost interest after the first sentence, so you haven't even gotten this far down.  Too much weed will do that to you.  Why don't I like gangstas?  Well, to put this lightly, they're worthless human beings who woke up one day and decided they'd rather be a useless leech to society than take the initiative or pride in themselves to do anything more than nothing in order to succeed at anything in life other than being worthless.  I think that about sums it up.  Just for fun, since my blogs are usually long and quite "colorful", I have some choice things I'd like to say about my list above, so I'm gonna break it down for you one by one...

No one knows you by your real name, only your "street name"...aka Peanut.  Well this is just ridiculous.  Why would you even want that name?!  If I was going to pick a street name, I'd probably go with something like "DeathSlayer", but that's just me.  Call me crazy, but I'd prefer to have the other gangstas be a scared of me, not be worried if they were going to have an allergic reaction and need to pack their Epipen.

The number of teeth in your mouth covered in gold outweighs the number of teeth not covered in gold.  Again, ridiculous.  You look like you ate too many of those gold coins people pass out at Halloween with the wrapper still on.  Do you get food stuck in there?  I bet it starts to sink after a while.  I remember when I had my Invisalign braces, and if I didn't wash them out good every night, they reeked!! Gross.

Your car is a piece of crap, usually two or three different colors not counting the rust, a door or window probably doesn't work, your tint is bubbling or half peeled off, but your rims are no less than 20" and that chrome be shinin'!!  Why not spend a few dollars on a decent car?  Who needs the rims, what are they even for?  I will never understand the draw of shiny rims on a craptastic box of turd-mobile.

You have the rims described above and you probably got them from Rent n Roll because the crack business just isn't what it once was so you need a payment plan...be careful, if you don't pay your bill, your car will be on cinder blocks in the morning.  I have a friend who moved here from up north and when he saw his first Rent n Roll, he called me hysterical, screaming into the phone, "DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A PLACE YOU CAN RENT RIMS?!!!"  He was in shock and disbelief!  It's so sad really.

I believe Lil' Boosie put it best; "Gas tank on E, but all drinks on me"...you pull up to the club on fumes, but step inside and you're a VIP!  This just makes me laugh because one gangsta calls out all the other gangstas in his own song and it's so true!

Your age multiplied by the number of fingers you throw up in your gang sign equals the number of times you've been in jail.  I totally made this up, but tell me it doesn't sound right? If I'm 15, and throw up three fingers in my gang sign, the chances of me having gone to jail 45 times are pretty likely!  Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating just a touch, but you get my point.

You post up pictures of yourself with all sorts of incriminating items such as drugs, guns, gang signs, etc on public forums for all to see (this is more specifically referred to as a Facebook gangsta, MySpace gangsta, etc) as if giving a big middle finger to anyone in a position of authority; "what, you can't do nothin".  Really?  Uh, yes...I can.

Everything you've ever gotten in trouble for has always been someone else's fault, including the power that gets cut off every month because the bill doesn't get paid...that's your mama's fault because she misspelled Progress Energy on the money order.  You have got to get that mama of yours in check!  Or, you could get a real job, pay your own bills and stop blaming everyone else for your problems in life?  Too difficult?  Ok.

You don't have a job because it's way easier to "trap or die" when you're not tied down to a 9-5.  I totally feel your pain on this one.  Working a real job is tough, what with all those bosses and rules and junk.  I'd never be able to just run around shootin' bitches and robbin old people.  You've got a good thing going there, maybe you should keep that up.  Real jobs are for real men and women.  Don't worry, we'll hold it down in here, while you hold it down out there in the streets.  We wouldn't want you to bruise your trigger finger on that nasty keyboard would we?

When you're not fighting them for a profit, you walk your collection of pitbulls on chains because only pussies walk their dogs on leashes.  Well played.  But my dog loves me more than your dog loves you and when you die you're gonna go to doggy Heaven first to answer to doggy God before you go to Hell, and all the doggies are gonna pee on you one last time since no one in Hell will, even if you're on fire, once you're down there.

You have at least two to three kids, most certainly with different baby mamas, because it's important to make sure your prestigious family blood line gets carried on through the generations...but if those bitches ask for child support, they're on their own, cause that ain't your kid.  Our court system sucks, and you'll probably get away with not having to pay child support for your offspring that you fathered in order to further your champion pedigree, but it's only half your fault.  The other half lies with your stupid baby mama who should have known not to get knocked up by a gangsta!

You have teardrops tattoo'd on your face.  I never got the sentiment here.  Are you sad because you killed that person?  Or are those their tears because you killed them?  Or do you just want to look like a jackass when you're 75 because your skin has sagged and wrinkled and now you have little black boogers smooshed on the side of your cheek where your teardrops used to be?

When the cops pull you over, before they even question you, you answer "it's not mine".  Actually, you should have peeled off the bumper sticker you stuck on your car last week that says "I Get High".  I think that may have tipped them off.

What's my point?  I don't know, I don't really have one.  I'm just so appalled at some things I've seen lately and it makes me so sad in my heart to know that I have to raise my kids in the same world as these "gangstas".  I'm gonna go lose some sleep now.