My two cents on...divorce (part one)

Okay, I promised I would write it in response to my marriage post, so here goes.  My apologies for slipping that gangsta post in between, but maybe we needed a little segue for a reason.  Again, I say (part one) because I will probably have something else to say about it in the future.

This is what I know about divorce, first and foremost; if you think your marriage is hard, divorce is harder, especially if you have children.  If you read this blog and leave with nothing else, leave with the advice that you should give everything to your marriage, leaving nothing at the door, deciding there is no reason you would seek to divorce your spouse, NO MATTER WHAT.  I can assure you that the alternative will hurt you more than you could have ever imagined, and will hurt those around you, even those you never thought possible.  It destroys families, friends, extended families, your reputation, your job in some cases, your credit (oh Lord, I could write a whole blog on just that!) and so many more things no one would ever foresee.  Read on.

When you wake up one day and decide you don't want to be married anymore...wait, no, that's not how it happens...let me start over.  When you wake up one morning and wonder what the hell happened and why you feel like you carry around a ton of bricks on your back everyday, you look in the mirror and realize it's because you are unhappily married and have been for however long you can remember.  It's been all the little things you've been adding to that pile you're carrying.  It's usually not some giant monumental boulder that occurred over night.  It's more commonly many, many tiny stones you've accrued over time, almost unnoticeable, until you wake up and realize you just can't stand because the load is too heavy to bear.  This moment brings you to a cross road.  More often than not your spouse has a load on his/her back too, and if you've been having a problem communicating as we talked about regarding marriage, that could be your biggest hurdle.  Whereas talking about it collectively could ease the burden for both of you and alleviate the pain, lack of communication could be detrimental to the entire foundation of your marriage.  This is usually the breaking point.  The point where you look at each other and say, "this isn't working, I want out".  Irreconcilable differences.  What does that even mean?  I'm too different for you to be able to fix?  No.  It means we just don't want to try anymore.  A marriage takes two people, giving the other mutual respect and acceptance, and once that's gone, all that's left is an irreconcilable difference.

Now let's say for instance you do have that boulder of a moment.  Let's say there is an "event".  Who knows what it is, but it's obviously so bad that you feel you can't be married to this person anymore because their behavior was so heinous they aren't even deserving of your forgiveness much less your continued partnership in marriage.  Well then, yes, you wake up and say, "I want a divorce because you did this (...). For better or worse doesn't apply anymore and I want out".

I live in Florida, so I will speak to Florida law for a second.  It's really easy to get divorced here.  In most states, the spouse requesting the divorce has to prove the other spouse did something wrong.  They have a list of things to choose from, pretty bad things, and if they have a slimy enough attorney, they can always come up with something, but it at least takes some effort.  Then, many states that don't want to enforce the at-fault divorce requirements will allow no-fault divorces, where the spouse petitioning the courts just has to tell the court that they want to dissolve the marriage because of "irreconcilable differences" (aka we don't get along anymore and don't feel like trying).  They will require a separation period where the spouses must follow guidelines for separation, to basically cool off and think about what they're doing, lasting anywhere from 6 months to 3 years, before the court will grant their divorce.  Okay, then there are 16 states, Florida included, that the court says, "hey, come on in, tell us that you want to get divorced because you just don't get along anymore (aka irreconcilable differences) and we'll give you a divorce on the spot, the other spouse doesn't even have to show up or sign off on the paperwork".  That really is true by the way.  If you think that you want to save your marriage by refusing to sign the divorce papers, unfortunately they will proceed without your signature and you'll be divorced anyway.  That's what "no-fault" allows them to do.  Real classy Florida.

So now you're on the road to divorce and you're thinking that once you get these papers drawn up and signed it'll all be over and you can just "move on".  I can't tell you how many people I know personally or have talked to over the years who have gotten divorced that say those two words.  Ladies and gentlemen, no, you don't just "move on", especially if you have kids.  A divorce with no kids will last a while.  It will hurt because at some point you loved that person you're now staring at from the other side of the table.  You loved them on your wedding day when you were laughing and talking about your dreams and your future.  Now you're talking about who's going to liquidate the life insurance and the 401k and who gets to keep the beach house.  There's no future in that, you just liquidated it.  Who takes the memories?  All the pictures and treasures from places you've been and things you've experienced together?  Who gets to cherish those?  Or do they get tossed in the same pile your marriage did?  What happens to those things after the gavel falls for the last time and you hear the judge say "motion to dissolve granted"?  Those words sting boys and girls.  Even if you had that monumental boulder on your back, those words hurt worse.

A divorce involving children will last forever.  Be prepared before you get married for the possibility of spending the rest of your life with this person as your children's mother or father, regardless if you stay married to them or not.  It doesn't just last 18 years, or until the child support ends, if the other party even pays child support (good luck with that one).  It lasts forever.  This divorce is about a million times more painful too, because you know that your child will ultimately pay the highest price for your failed marriage.  The pain of that rips at your heart constantly, on top of the pain of the divorce itself.  If you have chosen to divorce, with children, you better have a damn good reason.  You will be in and out of court for years.  Even in lenient states like Florida, the child custody, child support and visitation laws and guidelines are terribly confusing, ill-written, stupid, not well thought out, and constantly changing, so you will find yourself needing to return to the judge every time you want to do anything outside what you originally said you would do in your original settlement agreement.  For instance, I had to go back to court to petition the judge to require "X" to provide The Noise with her own room, equipped with four walls, a bed and a door, because it wasn't clearly spelled out in the original agreement.  Be prepared to spend thousands of dollars fighting for the children you love to have the life you want them to have, free from worry, stress or harm, because you now have to provide it alone, mutually exclusive from their father or mother.

So I bet you're asking yourself, if divorce is so bad, and you are so against it Adrian, why did you get divorced?  How come you can be so preachy to everyone about not getting divorced when you, yourself have done the crime, with a child to boot?!  Doesn't this make you a hypocrite?

Given the fact that this is a public outlet, I will not go into details of my divorce or my personal information, but I will agree that I am divorced and have a child who is a casualty of that.  I will say she is severely scarred from it and continues to get hurt in some way, shape or form almost daily.  If could take it away, I would do anything to erase it, just to ease her pain.  In my case, I should have made different choices to begin with, but I can't turn back the hands of time no matter how hard I try.  I don't consider myself a hypocrite, because I am fully aware of my mistakes and own them and live with my scars openly.  My message regarding my choice is that, as I've said, you should know before you get married that this is someone you can live with for the rest of your life as the mother or father of your child.  That was my mistake.  I didn't take the time to think that through.  I hope someone can learn from my example and take the time to think before they make a decision to marry someone on a whim.  


Marriage is for life, just as a child is for life.  You can't look at your child one day and say, "I just don't feel like getting along with you anymore, so I don't want to be your mom/dad".  Why should a marriage be any different?  Don't get married if you're not sure of who you are or who the person is you're going to say your vows to, because it's not nearly as easy to undo them as you may think.  Forever actually does mean forever, and for better or worse actually does mean for better or worse.  Divorce just means you'll have to live with the "worse" in some way forever.