My two cents on...divorce (part two) and being a single mom

I woke up this morning and felt moved to speak specifically to a piece of my life I spent as a single mother.  I spent a long time there, and I learned a lot.  I will always hold a special place in my heart for single moms, and it's because of this that I feel the need to write about them now.  I labeled this one under my divorce topic because my single mom-ness "technically" came from my divorce.  


I want you to think of the first single mom you know.  If you don't know one, think of one from a movie or a story you know of.  Form her in your mind, and bring all her attributes forward.  What does she look like?  Is she pretty, or is she plain?  What color is her hair, her skin?  Is she tall, short, slim, heavy?  Now think of her child(ren).  Do you know them?  How old are they?  Are they nice, well behaved?  What are their names, ages, likes, dislikes?  Can you think of anything else about her and her kids that sticks in your mind?  Ok, let's move on.


Now, let's talk about her.


How did she get this way?  Single moms don't wake up one day and decide they'd love to raise their kids on their own because they think they are just so awesome that no man in the world could possibly keep up with their awesomeness.  Something happened.  Either she was married and divorced, or her and the father may have never been married and had some falling out where they couldn't be together.  Either way, she's single now and she's probably scared to death.  Will she ever admit that to you?  Hell no.  Will she pray to God every night that she'll wake up less scared the next day?  Absolutely.


What do her friends say about her?  If her friends stick around you mean?  That's right.  Her friends will have a pretty hard time keeping up with her now that she has to work two jobs and extra hours to pay the bills, the babysitter, the dog walker, the boy that mows the lawn, the handy man, and the private investigator that's still stalking her ex trying to dig up more dirt for their impending court date.  She doesn't have much free time to hang out, and whatever time she does have, she's spending with her kids.  She invites those friends over, but most of them don't really want to come over and just sit around doing nothing, since she can't really afford much, so they decline her invitation.  There are some that wait around for her "off weekends" and tell her how lucky she is to have every other weekend "free" from her children.  Apparently they've never felt the pain of being completely alone on a holiday.  Those friends dwindle away and the rare few who do remain her friend really stick by her side no matter what.  They are the ones she can call on at 3am when she needs a ride to the emergency room with a sick toddler and her car won't start.  Those friends are priceless and she'll need them to survive.  Are you one of them?


What does her family think of her?  That depends on which side of the family you're talking about.  See, the liberal side of her family is just fine.  They love her and accept her and are there for her and her kids.  The conservative side of her family on the other hand has had a really hard time accepting her back with loving arms after this whole "situation".  She's really been ostracized, cast out, pushed aside.  It hurts her and cuts her to the core to know that her own flesh and blood could feel so much hatred for her, but she trudges back, time after time, holiday after holiday, hoping they'll take her back.  She sits across from Aunt Mary at the Thanksgiving table, eyes cast downward, listening to her call her a coward and a liar for the hundredth time and she swallows her pride and takes it.  One day they'll love her again she thinks.  Her kids are treated differently and it kills her to watch.  One day she'll have to decide if she wants to keep torturing herself, or if she should just remove herself from her family for a while to ease the pain for everyone.  How would you feel if you had to make that choice?


Does the world look kindly on her?  No.  As a single mom she doesn't fit in to a "group" so therefore, she can't be classified and is considered a strange lab experiment to be studied further until figured out.  Honestly, it's the truth.  She's not single anymore, so she really can't hang out with the single crowd.  Conventional dating is completely out of the question because the first words out of her mouth when she meets a nice guy are "I have kids".  What follows is either, the guy gives her a weird look followed by an excuse as to why he's all of the sudden late for an important something, or he becomes all too interested in her and her kids which gives her a weird feeling and an immediate need to be suddenly late for an important something.  There is no fine balance.  She may as well just forget dating and stay single.  Well, not really single.  But she's definitely not welcome near the married crowd.  Oh no.  They don't want her anywhere near their Kool-aid.  Especially the wives.  Because after all, she's single.  But not really, but sort of.  She's enough single to steal their husbands away, so she better back off.  And she's technically a mom, but she doesn't fit in with the rest of the moms at her kid's school.  Especially if her kids happen to go to Catholic school, and all the moms there just happen to drive mini-vans and have stuck up little attitudes about them and their perfect little kids.  (Oh, that reminds me, I had something else I wanted to write about!).  She gets stared at by the other moms as if she's an alien mom from another planet who wears a sign that says "I'm an alien mom and I don't speak English, and I bite children's heads off, and I spray poisonous venom on anyone who comes with 500 yards of me so stay away, but I really love that handbag"!  She sits quietly as she hears the other moms chatter behind her at the school play, and cringes as she hears one mom tell the other that she knows what single moms feel like because her husband is out of town on a business trip for a week.  If they only knew.


What does she think of herself?  When she looks in the mirror, what does she see?  Do you think she likes it?  When you were picturing her in your head above, do you think she sees the same picture?  I can guarantee you she doesn't.  She sees a monster.  She doesn't understand why God did this to her.  She doesn't understand why things have to be this way.  She wakes up everyday and has to figure out how to tear herself into a thousand pieces so there's enough of her to go around.  She has to be the mother, father, husband, wife, protector, disciplinarian, nurturer, teacher, friend, chauffeur, cook, maid, therapist, spiritual director, listener, supporter and number one cheerleader for her kids, with a smile on the outside at all times, never once letting on to the fact that she's hurting on the inside.  She has to remember to schedule doctors appointments, teacher conferences and play dates.  She has to be the one to make the lunches, help with the school projects and do the last minute outfit shopping for the dress up day she found out about an hour ago.  She has to figure out how to stretch the money further than it can go to get more than it is able to, so her kids never go without.  She will go to bed hungry some nights just so her kids are fed.  She will cry herself to sleep most nights sure she's just not good enough.


And what about those kids?  If they could write in to my award-winning (not) blog, what would they say about their single mom?  They would call her a super hero.  They would tell everyone they know that they have the coolest mom on the planet.  They would totally agree that she's an alien who bites children's heads off, and that she should never ever date, but they would be the first to admit that she loves them more than anyone else on this planet, or any other planet for that matter.  Her kids will love her more deeply than she could ever imagine and will grow up with a respect for her that she will never fully know or appreciate until they reach adulthood.  


So this paragraph is for all the single moms.  The ones who work one, two or three jobs just to put food on the table for at least your kids.  For the ones who've been on one too many bad dates with weird guys who either scarf down their food when you mention your kids, or ask if they can come right over and take little Johnny out to play ball after dinner on your very first date.  This is for the moms who have been pushed aside and cast out by your friends, family or others for just being you, and for trying to be the best mom you can be, even if that means you have less time to be the best friend or family member you can be.  This is for all the moms that sit alone every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial Day, Halloween, New Years and any other holiday, including your child's birthday, with a tall drink and a box of tissues, wishing you could shove something in that hole to make the pain go away.  You are not alone or forgotten.  You aren't weird, strange or different.  You're not a lab rat or science experiment and you don't deserve to be studied under a microscope either.  You are beautiful and special mothers of beautiful and special children, and for anyone who doesn't see that they can...well...I'll let you fill in the blanks.